My Shoulders Hurt

We all have responsibilities, some weigh more than others.  I have many great sadness in my life, that to this day have not and may not be resolved.  The thing is not  one of us has the perfect life, family,… We all seem to struggle at one point  or another to be and have better. Some have so much good fortune that we think that they too are blessed more than “I”, but even they will tell you that it is not what it seems. So  I have these dysfunctions that cause me to lose my temper, and trust me, it can look ugly.  I’m not a bad person, I have suffered like many people have suffered abuses, in my life.

My father, grand fathers and great grand father did abandon their families.  Yes it is sad, I’m sure if they were asked they would all tell a convincing story. It was the time we lived in, I was immature,  my wife was to blame… excuses for why they did not choose better. I’m not saying  I am better, I have done my bit to continue the sadness so to speak.  Now, my temper has not always been the issue, though it would seem that way to some and even to me that I have spent a lot of precious time angry. I thought about anger management,  counseling… and have spent a lot of time reading on the subject. I have not found a magic pill or road map to manage my feelings when I get angry. I am getting better though, it is about how and when I put things into perspective.

It is not like I am always mad, I have much in my life that is so wonderful. I am so happy for so much that when the sadness comes it is overwhelming and I get angry. In my life my father did more to harm me than love me. Too much to list all… I have one or two positive memories of him, both are when I was quite young. I have other experiences with him that on the surface looked like he cared, but upon maturing I see them very differently.

I have come to understand that my anger is a lot about intolerance of abuse. This thing about being a man and being strong is all good in concept but what does it mean. As an adult I have risen to being a man and shouldering those responsibilities that are mine. What of this strength though, I am not so strong when I buckle to the weight of my  own intolerance and anger at the  inequities that come my way.  I alone must own that part of my bad choices, and it is a choice I make. No matter how autonomic it happens, it is my responsibility.

I do not want to play the blame game here. A lot of who we are is where we come from and an understanding of those truths is essential. It is not a coincidence that many of us do not want to spend time in our past especially when there is pain abuse there.  I have said ” we must move forward” yes it is important, but that does not mean we don’t have to look back on how we got here and correct the behaviors that lead us astray. Ownership is always the first admission to solving any problem. That does not mean that others do not share in the responsibility, but we all have to know what part we play in the dysfunction  before we look to our brothers.

Much of what makes or defines me as a good person can also define some of my bad choices.  It is that double edge sword, it can cut so fast. Before I know it I’ve said or done something I regret or would have wanted to do better. I beat myself up more than anyone knows, I have a very quick mind and I know maybe to well my own strengths and not so well my weaknesses. That brings me back to my choices, to choose anger over tolerance. I want, I need to be better (of good and will)  Love and knowledge of these things has to be on the fore front of my choices.

Published in: on May 3, 2010 at 10:20 am  Leave a Comment